True Confessions from the Lover of My Own Soul

I had an epiphany moment on Friday right in the middle of a classic pity party. It suddenly struck me that I don’t really love Joel enough to put up with all the trials and difficulties of this life path we are now forced to be on because of his crime and subsequent restrictions. This realization actually hurt me deeply because I want to love Joel enough to gladly face whatever our future holds together. I want to have the kind of compassion that hurts for him and the boys first, and only considers my own discomfort as secondary. I want to extend Jesus’s grace freely and gently just as He extended it to me.

But instead I rail against injustice, not for the sake of others but because of my own pain. The certain uncertainty of my life from here on out is a weight I can hardly stand. It is not one I gladly bear. It is one that has been thrust upon me with brutal force, and some days I find myself nearly crushed by it. It is not just deep, abiding sadness, but gut wrenching helplessness.

Friday was one of those days. A day in which nothing seemed hopeful, nothing seemed bright, and I felt doomed to traverse this valley alone. I realized in that moment that staying the course, standing beside Joel, and doing everything I can to bring our family back together will cost more than I ever imagined. And quite frankly some days it’s more than I am willing to pay. I love myself too much. I am the lover of my own soul. And I long to take care of myself, not pour myself out for others, not relinquish my rights for the good of even those I claim to love.

No matter what altruistic goals and aspirations I have for myself, the bold and ugly truth is I love myself too much. And I want what will make me feel better. I want a life that makes sense, that is safe and predictable. I don’t want to live with “undeserved” pain.

Even as I struggled with the ugly emotions that demanded answers on Friday I felt God’s insistent rebuke. “Your strength, your way, your doom. My strength, My way, your delight. Of course you don’t love Joel or your children enough to do what’s right for them. You never will in your own strength. Love me enough to let me love Joel through you. Let me love you enough to free you from the need to take care of yourself.  The lies of sin have darkened your vision and clouded your focus. Self pity disguised as a demand for justice is devouring your rest in Me. I am enough for any and every uncertainty you face. I am the true Lover of your soul. My love for you is so much better than your own self-love.”

Honestly it was a rebuke I didn’t really want to listen to.  I wanted to drown in my own lake of self-pity.  It took some time for pride to give way to humility and for me to really view my situation as God sees it. To really see my own sin of self-love and self-expectation. How quickly I become my own god!  “But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

My bottom line confession is this: I have no strength in myself to walk the path I am now on. I have no expectation of being able to love those in my life the way I should love them. And I cannot be the lover of my own soul and survive this valley. I have no hope outside of Christ. But sometimes I forget these simple truths. And sin has its way in my heart. Friday was one of those days.

3 Responses to "True Confessions from the Lover of My Own Soul"

  • Dear Tabitha,
    I just want you to know that you are not “suffering” alone. Others have gone through the same hurts, disappointments, questioning, doubts etc that you are going through. Most of us just can’t articulate our deepest struggles as clearly and honestly as you do. Some of us (like me) beat ourselves up (just like you do) in our longings and desires to be more like Christ, in every way. I’d encourage you to crawl up on Papa’s lap often. Lay your head against His chest…don’t say anything (no blubbering confessions). Just snuggle, rest and soak up His goodness, love, mercy, grace and ALL that He wants to give to YOU! Feel His arms around you, holding you close. Let Him hold you close like you wish Joel was holding you. He knows all the pain in your heart…your weakness, as well as your desires to BE LIKE HIM; esp to Joel and the boys. There may be days when the Word is dead, all is silent, and you are in the “desert”, the “dark night of the soul”…alone… and you’ll need to survive on the graciousness of knowing Him from the moments of intimacy you’ve had with Him in the past ( when you sat on His lap in silence). Tabitha, no one dare say that the journey you are on isn’t unfair, over-whelmingly difficult, crazy. The journey is one you NEVER could have imagined would happen. This is also the sorrow of the lose of the dream you had for your marriage, your life in every way. Give yourself the time, space etc. to grieve. Going through grieving, sorrow and suffering is well worth the pain, lessons learned will enrich your heart and spirit. You just can’t rush through it. Don’t beat yourself up at the end of a rough day…just let His love soak into those deep wounds and bring a measure of comfort. Love you, Linda

    1 Linda Myers said this (September 10, 2012 at 4:30 pm) Reply

  • Tabitha, that was BEAUTIFUL!!! I sat here as I read it out loud to Tim and was amazed….these are the SAME truths that the Lord is showing us. We are not going through the same things you are, but still battle the same self love and self centeredness that is helpless without Christ. It was so exciting to read your blog and find you reitterate those same thoughts so beautifully. We surely appreciate your openness and frankness. We appreciate YOU Tabitha!!! We are praying for you guys and love you.
    Love, Laurie

    2 Laurie said this (September 10, 2012 at 10:58 pm) Reply

  • I love you, friend! Thank you for your gut wrenching honesty. If we are honest with ourselves, we all have to admit that same self love. Thanks for your confession, it has been a kick in the pants and an encouragement today.

    3 Joy said this (September 11, 2012 at 6:29 pm) Reply

Leave a Reply

Current day month ye@r *

Comments RSS Subscribe to the Comments RSS.
Trackback Leave a trackback from your site.
Trackback URL: