Panic Attacks

So today I lost my computer! How does a person go and lose a computer? That’s what I want to know. For me, that’s about as bad as losing the head off my shoulders. (Which if I remember correctly my mom used to comment might actually happen if it weren’t attached.) So yea, I have battled with organization my whole life. But over all I’m a pretty responsible person and I don’t leave expensive items that I can’t replace just lying around! And beyond that I work on my computer so much of the time, it’s hard to figure when I would have time to lose it. But today, I lost my computer.

I was putting the kids in bed around 9:30 when I realized it wasn’t in its spot at the end of my bed, beside my favorite quiet time, blogging, studying, and everything-in-between chair. (I don’t have an office or a desk, or a bookshelf big enough for my school books, so it’s all just in one corner by said chair in an area my son likes to call my shelf-less library.) Anyways, my first thought was that I had left the computer in the car when I had gotten home from work. I am off early on Fridays, but I had ended up getting home later than usual after a stop at the hospital to visit my ailing gramps, who was admitted yesterday. But that’s a story for another day. Anyways, when I got home, I carried my school books in, but I just had no memory of what I had done with my computer. So the boys and I searched the house over, and the car over, and by that time, I was starting to panic. In desperation I asked the boys to pray for me to find it, which of course, I had been doing in little spurts along with gutteral moans the whole time.

The only place left to look was the school. (Thank God, I have a way to get in!) Racking my brain wasn’t helping. It may as well have rolled off somewhere along with way for all the good it was doing me. So off I ran to the school to search for it, calling my prayer-warrior mom on the way to entreat her prayers. My dad, who is the best kind of person to have around in a panic, offered to come right over and go down to the school with me. Gratefully, I met up with him, and he drove me to the school, while I retraced my every step out loud, hoping something about where I had put my computer would come back to me. But alas, about the time I was ready to give in to real waves of panic, and maybe just out and out bawl, because a bucket of tears always helps in a situation like this,  my dad started telling me about how everything, even death, is used by a loving God to draw us to Himself. Now, of course, I know this. I blog about this. And I have seen it be true in much bigger areas than a missing computer. It’s not new, but it’s necessary, because I forget so easily.  Dad isn’t the kind to rebuke, so it didn’t feel like a sermon. Rather, it was a holy reminder.

The happy ending to this story is that just inside the office at the school, my computer was sitting, safe and sound in it’s little black case, waiting for me to come and get it. I don’t remember setting it down there, and I don’t remember leaving without it. (I think my mind might still be missing.) But as we drove away I thought about how easy it is to lose sight of God’s goodness, how quickly we develop tunnel vision. I am so glad God allowed me to find my computer tonight. Would He still be working for my good even if the computer hadn’t turned up? Of course! But that is easy for me to say…sitting here in my blogging chair, typing on my once-lost, now-found computer! Grateful to know He is always good….and does only good.

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