Living in the “Know”

There are times when I find myself in the pit of self-pity, battling the demons of uncertainty and the pain of being misunderstood. I rail against what I cannot change, and I totter on the brink of emotional insanity. Interestingly, in those moments I also feel a strong sense of incongruity. I am literally “out of sorts”. I think to myself what I often tell my kids, “you know better!” And indeed, in my mind, I do know better. And in my heart I know better. I have lived through immense valleys of uncertainty and clung to God’s guiding hand in utter desperation. I have cried out with Peter, “Oh, Lord, to whom else shall I go?” I have been at the end of myself and found God’s firm hand holding me safely.

But some days I still find myself struggling to live in the “know.”  I allow myself to base my feelings, my expectations, my hopes on this life alone. And before I know what’s happening I am spiraling into a dark place of frustration and anxiety. Just a few days ago, I found myself in that very place. Along with self-pity, I also felt a deep sense of self-loathing. A struggle that went something like this, “I can’t believe I feel so utterly helpless. I am a mess. How can God use me. I don’t deserve to be used by Him. I can’t express His glory. This just hurts too much.”

It’s interesting how quickly we can buy into the lies of self and Satan when once our eyes wander away from our Savior. Living outside of the “know” is a dangerous, futile place. It is a desert of false aspirations, and powerless idols. I am so thankful for how God’s faithful love calls me from that dangerous precipice.  My Savior’s power and prerogative is to use me, this clay vessel, at any moment to expose His glory.  His grace in the dark places, gives me hope for a future that far surpasses the pain of this life.

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