A Lament

Today as we said good by to Joel before leaving the prison Roman looked at him and said, “Dad, you’re trapped in here!” As if full understanding had just dawned. “Yea, I’m trapped.” Joel agreed. “Why would they keep you? I’m going to ask those men to let you go!” Roman cried. As we walked past the guards station on our way out Roman asked them, “Why are you keeping my dad here. Can’t you let him go home with us? Please?” When nobody answered he simply repeated himself.  It was heartbreaking to see our precious three year old feel so helpless, understanding so little and so much all at the same time.

Yes, the consequences for our boys is one of the most painful parts of this journey. And today, I nearly lost it, listening to Roman’s desperate pleas. As we walked through the parking lot to our car, Roman started talking about when Joel was at home, as if he actually remembers daddy being at home. But he was only one when Joel was sentenced, so it’s hart to imagine that he could remember anything. Life with Joel living at home, will be a new, exciting experience for him. Oh, how I long for that day. And how I ache for all the lost time.

Many of the Psalms are written as laments, or angry diatribes to an apparently silent God. I think God chose for the Psalms to be that way to show us that our sorrow matters to God. The grief I feel for the loss my kids are experiencing, is precious to God.  My own grief at all I have lost is precious to God. And He is OK with my painful laments, my gut wrenching questions, my lonely pleas. But in the end I come to the same conclusion that many of the Psalms come to…My hope is in the Lord. My ultimate comfort is that God is good and does only good. I can cry, I can rail against my present “normal”, I can beg God for reprieve. And after all that, “…yet will I rejoice in the Lord. I will joy in the God of my salvation…” I have nowhere else to go in my heartbreak.

 


5 Responses to "A Lament"

  • These are excellent Tabitha………….love reading them and am going to share this site with my struggling friends . : )

    1 Debbie Andrews said this (September 18, 2011 at 9:51 pm) Reply


    • Thanks, Debbie. I am blessed to know God is using my ramblings to draw people to Himself.

      2 Tabitha Joy said this (September 18, 2011 at 9:53 pm) Reply


  • Girl, this one broke my heart and I cried with you, lament with you… Yet I am also a bit jealous of how clearly you see through the “fluff” of life to what is really important. You have let God use this pain to give you such a precious gift, one that you are sharing with so many here. I love you, friend, and I am so proud of you! Thanks for sharing such important truths!

    3 Joy said this (September 22, 2011 at 4:41 pm) Reply


  • Tabitha, my Mom must have felt the same way you did with Roman when we were little kids and my dad was in prison. I still remember as a four year old when I finally got to see my dad for the first time in weeks (it was after his arrest). I ran to him, yelling “Daddy!” and suddenly a big guard blocked me from my Dad and wouldn’t let me go to him. Another time, my brother did the same thing Roman did. Asked the guard to let him go. As a child I prayed to God to let Daddy out of prison and one day I went to Mom and announced that I believed God would let Daddy out before my fifth birthday. I was so calm about it that my Mom thought maybe God really told me He would. Well, he didn’t come home by my fifth birthday but he did come home when I was seven. (He was sentenced to 40 years and only did 3 and a half). You know, I learned a lot through these painful experiences about the Lord as my mother faithful taught me. I learned that God is perfect in His ways. Sometimes He says yes, sometimes He says no. I learned to submit to His plan as a young child, even when it means deep disappointment. I am a mother now too so I hurt with you as your heart is broken to see your kids’ pain. But let me encourage you that these painful experiences are very very impacting to your young kids. You have an opportunity that is beautiful right now. As you minister to your children during these times, you are affecting their understanding of God….. and are able to put into practice, at a very early age, a life of faith in Him. At a very early age they are learning lessons that will stay with them. I am very thankful that I learned these things early because I always took God seriously. I have always been blessed to know that God has loved me from the start. He doesn’t just minister to adults. He knows how to touch your kids. Love you Tabitha! Will be praying for your kids.

    4 Katherine Schaadt said this (October 5, 2011 at 12:12 pm) Reply


    • Thanks so much for your honest and encouraging notes. It is a great comfort to know how God has used similar circumstances from your childhood to grow you into Him. His ways are so perfect, even when they are painful.

      5 Tabitha Joy said this (October 5, 2011 at 10:02 pm) Reply


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